Salem SWAT Storms High School Football Game
Yesterday
evening the SWAT unit in Salem, Massachusetts stormed a high school
pre-season football game, brutally tackling all the referees present.
One official was arrested.
According to spectators, the team arrived on the scene by plowing onto the field with two armored Bearcat APCs.
SWAT
members dressed in black body armor and helmets leapt out of the APCs
and another squad stormed onto the field from an unknown source.
Several officers charged the referees while others crowded the teams to
the sidelines and faced the stands, machine guns in hand.
The
referees were tackled hard and forced to lie on their faces, hands
cuffed behind their back while they were questioned on the field.
Eventually the SWAT team found their man and a State Police chopper
arrived on the scene. Back Judge Adam “Hooter” Finkel was placed in a
restraint tube and hauled off the field by State troopers to the waiting
chopper.
“My
kids were so scared,” smiled Patsy Finkel of Salem, wife of the
arrested civil servant. “Absolutely terrified. But I told’em see… see
what happens when you’re bad. Be good or the police will come get you
with tanks and guns. I think this is a lesson from the government
that they won’t soon forget”
Captain
Strickland of Salem PD addressed reporters after the operation from the
force’s downtown headquarters, not far from the scene of Salem’s famous
witch trials:
“Good Afternoon,
everyone… As everyone here is aware, the Federal Government, by
executive order from the President himself, has banned all
whistleblowing by federal employees. After the embarrassing incidents
with Chelsea Manning and Edward Snowden, this crackdown on treasonous
Un-American activities has been well-publicized by the President and his
Administration. There are no excusable activities by any
employee, just ask former CIA Director General Petraeus. No one is
above these laws.
“So in accordance
with the President’s directives, today our Salem SWAT unit executed a
precision operation to capture a government official engaged in blatant
whistleblowing at a very, very public High School football game. The
arrested man is Mr. Adam Finkel, from our very own backyard right here
in Salem. Mr. Finkel is a USDA meat inspector as well as a part-time
referee.
“As you are all aware, meat
inspection is a very sensitive issue in this country and any sort of
whistle-blowing could ruin a major corporation and embarrass the
government.
“The operation began with
a call to our Crimestoppers phone line by Mr. Finkel’s big brother
Andrew. Once Salem PD was made aware of the strong likelihood of Mr.
Tells’ activities, our analysts determined that a military-style
operation was necessary and the SWAT unit was alerted and briefed.
“We
are happy to report that our mission was 100% successful with no loss
of life or injuries. Adam Finkel is in now in the custody of Federal
Marshals. Are there any questions?”
“Has Finkel had the opportunity to speak to his lawyer?” was the first query from the small gathering of local reporters.
“I
am only here to discuss the operation. I’m afraid you will have to
direct any questions about his custody to the appropriate authority.”
Salem TV thrust a mic forward, “Could you explain to our audience the purpose of the raid today?”
“Well,
we have to make the public aware that while snitching on your neighbour
or even a family member is strongly encouraged, snitching on your
government will be treated as treason, a serious federal crime that
carries the fullest penalties of the State. It would be unfair for us
to act without clarity and consistency on this grave matter.”
The
young newswoman wouldn’t give up though. “Some people might think a
local high school football game is the wrong venue. I mean we live
here. Can we not expect to go to a football game without fear of a
heavily-armored SWAT team arriving to take down a referee?”
“Well
actually, Miss, we thought the presence of the crowd was the key to
acting when and where we did. For one, it proves that Mr. Finkels had an
audience for his whistle-blowing and, secondly that the government and
its loyal police force would have an audience for its response.
Another
reporter stepped forward. “The public usually thinks their government
over-reacts to threats. You know the internet… won’t they in this
case? Won’t they think a football game is a little harmless and your
operation over-the-top?
“Certainly
not,” Strickland responded. “ We have been given a mission and a
mandate to arrest all government whistle-blowers. We understand our
duty. We understand the dangers. A citizen’s right to referee a football
game is secondary to the nation’s security concerns when that
refereeing involves whistle-blowing.” Strickland’s patience with the
reporters appeared to be wearing thin. “And if people don’t like it,
tell them to go ump a ballgame. There’s a reason why baseball is our
national pastime, y’know… there’s no friggin’ whistle-blowers.
“All right, people, last question, go ahead…”
GNN’s
very own Boston correspondent stepped forward. “I know this question
is outside your purview–you were, of course, only following orders–but
what are your thoughts on whether the public has a right to know about
the government’s activities? Some hardened cynics say the government is
supposed to be “We the people”.”
Strickland
smiled. “Ha! Hardly. They think the government is in the service of
the public? Ha, again. The government gets to tax its citizens–under
threat of gunpoint and incarceration, if needs be. Who is in the
service of who in this relationship? You serve your country and thus
you must be serving its government.”
Attempts
to contact the Federal Marshals Service went unanswered at the time of
our printing, but it was believed Finkels was being held in isolation
while the government analyzes the extent of his whistle-blowing and the
damage it has done. The government believed no corporate or federal
assets had been harmed, but without a full examination of Finkel’s
activities, officials within the DOJ couldn’t be certain.
Salem
Witch football fan Sally Pride commented that the crowd settled down
pretty good after the SWAT takedown, saying it was “like our very own
Air Force flyover before the game, I mean I feel sorry for the Finkels
and all, but that display of military force by our very own police just
gets your patriotic blood going. I’ve been going to these games for
over 35 years now and I have never heard the crowd sing the national
anthem that loudly before.”
The
football game continued after the arrest, with a reserve official
filling in at Back Judge. The pre-season tilt ended with a spellbinding
21-0 victory by the hometown Salem Witches over a disorganized Revere
Patriots squad.http://ctrlp.press/salem-swat-storms-high-school-football-game/
