Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Yesterday evening the SWAT unit in Salem, Massachusetts stormed a high school pre-season football game
Yesterday evening the SWAT unit in Salem, Massachusetts stormed a high school pre-season football game, brutally tackling all the referees present. One official was arrested.
According to spectators, the team arrived on the scene by plowing onto the field with two armored Bearcat APCs.
SWAT members dressed in black body armor and helmets leapt out of the APCs and another squad stormed onto the field from an unknown source. Several officers charged the referees while others crowded the teams to the sidelines and faced the stands, machine guns in hand.
The referees were tackled hard and forced to lie on their faces, hands cuffed behind their back while they were questioned on the field. Eventually the SWAT team found their man and a State Police chopper arrived on the scene. Back Judge Adam “Hooter” Finkel was placed in a restraint tube and hauled off the field by State troopers to the waiting chopper.
“My kids were so scared,” smiled Patsy Finkel of Salem, wife of the arrested civil servant. “Absolutely terrified. But I told’em see… see what happens when you’re bad. Be good or the police will come get you with tanks and guns. I think this is a lesson from the government that they won’t soon forget”
Captain Strickland of Salem PD addressed reporters after the operation from the force’s downtown headquarters, not far from the scene of Salem’s famous witch trials:
“Good Afternoon, everyone… As everyone here is aware, the Federal Government, by executive order from the President himself, has banned all whistleblowing by federal employees. After the embarrassing incidents with Chelsea Manning and Edward Snowden, this crackdown on treasonous Un-American activities has been well-publicized by the President and his Administration. There are no excusable activities by any employee, just ask former CIA Director General Petraeus. No one is above these laws.
“So in accordance with the President’s directives, today our Salem SWAT unit executed a precision operation to capture a government official engaged in blatant whistleblowing at a very, very public High School football game. The arrested man is Mr. Adam Finkel, from our very own backyard right here in Salem. Mr. Finkel is a USDA meat inspector as well as a part-time referee.
“As you are all aware, meat inspection is a very sensitive issue in this country and any sort of whistle-blowing could ruin a major corporation and embarrass the government.
“The operation began with a call to our Crimestoppers phone line by Mr. Finkel’s big brother Andrew. Once Salem PD was made aware of the strong likelihood of Mr. Tells’ activities, our analysts determined that a military-style operation was necessary and the SWAT unit was alerted and briefed.
“We are happy to report that our mission was 100% successful with no loss of life or injuries. Adam Finkel is in now in the custody of Federal Marshals. Are there any questions?”
“Has Finkel had the opportunity to speak to his lawyer?” was the first query from the small gathering of local reporters.
“I am only here to discuss the operation. I’m afraid you will have to direct any questions about his custody to the appropriate authority.”
Salem TV thrust a mic forward, “Could you explain to our audience the purpose of the raid today?”
“Well, we have to make the public aware that while snitching on your neighbour or even a family member is strongly encouraged, snitching on your government will be treated as treason, a serious federal crime that carries the fullest penalties of the State. It would be unfair for us to act without clarity and consistency on this grave matter.”
The young newswoman wouldn’t give up though. “Some people might think a local high school football game is the wrong venue. I mean we live here. Can we not expect to go to a football game without fear of a heavily-armored SWAT team arriving to take down a referee?”
“Well actually, Miss, we thought the presence of the crowd was the key to acting when and where we did. For one, it proves that Mr. Finkels had an audience for his whistle-blowing and, secondly that the government and its loyal police force would have an audience for its response.
Another reporter stepped forward. “The public usually thinks their government over-reacts to threats. You know the internet… won’t they in this case? Won’t they think a football game is a little harmless and your operation over-the-top?
“Certainly not,” Strickland responded. “ We have been given a mission and a mandate to arrest all government whistle-blowers. We understand our duty. We understand the dangers. A citizen’s right to referee a football game is secondary to the nation’s security concerns when that refereeing involves whistle-blowing.” Strickland’s patience with the reporters appeared to be wearing thin. “And if people don’t like it, tell them to go ump a ballgame. There’s a reason why baseball is our national pastime, y’know… there’s no friggin’ whistle-blowers.
“All right, people, last question, go ahead…”
GNN’s very own Boston correspondent stepped forward. “I know this question is outside your purview–you were, of course, only following orders–but what are your thoughts on whether the public has a right to know about the government’s activities? Some hardened cynics say the government is supposed to be “We the people”.”
Strickland smiled. “Ha! Hardly. They think the government is in the service of the public? Ha, again. The government gets to tax its citizens–under threat of gunpoint and incarceration, if needs be. Who is in the service of who in this relationship? You serve your country and thus you must be serving its government.”
Attempts to contact the Federal Marshals Service went unanswered at the time of our printing, but it was believed Finkels was being held in isolation while the government analyzes the extent of his whistle-blowing and the damage it has done. The government believed no corporate or federal assets had been harmed, but without a full examination of Finkel’s activities, officials within the DOJ couldn’t be certain.
Salem Witch football fan Sally Pride commented that the crowd settled down pretty good after the SWAT takedown, saying it was “like our very own Air Force flyover before the game, I mean I feel sorry for the Finkels and all, but that display of military force by our very own police just gets your patriotic blood going. I’ve been going to these games for over 35 years now and I have never heard the crowd sing the national anthem that loudly before.”The football game continued after the arrest, with a reserve official filling in at Back Judge. The pre-season tilt ended with a spellbinding 21-0 victory by the hometown Salem Witches over a disorganized Revere Patriots squad.